Welcome to Eurovision, a competition that brings the whole of Europe together, East and West, that encourages national identity, solidarity and pride in an event that displays so much talent, skill and creativity…
Or not. Well, the bit about creativity might be correct, but most British spectators consider the show void of talent. Yet, each year the public watch the horrifically dressed characters on stage open-mouthed because of the outrageous fashion choices rather than the talented singers. From the growing, fiery dress of Moldova to the Greek version of kilts our eyes were declined a break even in this year’s rather more subdued costumed Eurovision. However, many countries did conform on one fashion choice, and that was with their eyebrows. Yes, their eyebrows. Europe seems to have been following this season’s fashion advice for big, bold eyebrows this spring and if you don’t believe me just type in ‘Armenia Eurovision 2013’ into Google Images and you’ll see for yourself. Even Italy, with their stereotypically handsome men did not escape from this absurd trend, with the brow dominating what would have otherwise been a perfectly decent visage.
Phew, at least Britain escaped from that. And somehow managed to escape from last place in a competition that often leaves Britain feeling like a lonely island(only Lonely Island has a boat and is sailing on it, whilst Britain’s naval power was lost way back when we actually had an empire). Though many Britons are indifferent to this fact, the best songs or singers never win anyway and let’s face it, the whole competition is more like a farcical popularity contest…oh watch out we’ve got some Eastern Bloc voting…Drink!
But the typical voting patterns were to be expected. What I had expected and then was disappointed by, was the variety in the performances, some were incredibly dull. In fact, the Netherlands’ performance was so dull the only reason I remember it was because it was the dullest one I had seen (apologies to the Dutch, it’s nothing personal.) We were promised Romanian vampires and Ukrainian giants, but the giant only graced our screens for a few seconds and to be honest it took a while to figure out that the Romanian was dressed as a vampire and those weren’t naked men (and ooh is that a naked woman?) dancing on-screen.
And if we thought things couldn’t get weirder, oh, we were very wrong. Sweden pulled out all the strangest stops with their final performance where their host transformed into a singer (for Eurovision standards anyway) who didn’t really fancy wearing a bra that night- come on girls we all have those sorts of nights… just not normally when you’re on stage and television. But really, the performance got a bit too explicit for our conservative British minds to handle - is that a prostitute dancing in a human-sized glass of milk?
But, you know what? In the end it was all OK. It’s Eurovision, without the eccentric costume choices, the unbelievably smiley performers (oh Malta you were just so happy!), the predictable casting of votes, the sarcastic voice-overs and the failure of Britain even reaching the top ten, it would not be the annual event we love to hate and yet enjoy. What a joyful (euro)revision break!